Ok every had those nights that you dream but cant really remember what it was.. well that was me this morning .. all I remember is waking up in tears and rubbing my eyes.. my pillow was soaked with tears. I must be losing it .. I know I am holding in a lot of other stuff ( "him" , other men, finances, work, etc) and I think its starting to get to me. All I need to do is get past Friday and I should be ok. I hate the fact that I know if at least one of the things that has me worried is him.. cuz it means I am depending on him to give me an answer even though I have a feeling what it is. but the fact that I am depending on him for anything is killing me... *sigh* I just wish things can be simple... I just keep reminding myself that everything has a solution except for death. I wont even tell you what the solution is ... I feel like I have to swallow my pride sometimes and that's ok if I know I am getting something from it but nothing .. not even 1 thing... please its too much... ok am I rambling yes I am .. its called being anxious and stressed and not having what's his face to talk to .. or even hear his voice... ugh.. I HATE HATE this feeling....

How I wish I was the one going to Aruba !!! Well its ok my best friend is getting married on Friday and she is making me nervous and stressed. I spent a good part of my weekend shopping and getting last minute things ready for the wedding which just reminds me that if I EVER get married I am eloping .. I am not going throught his drama of spending 30,000 so everyone can have a nice party to go to when I can use it towars a nice down payment on my dream home.. *smile* cuz we all know that there isnt a man in my life right now that will be giving me that so I need to start looking for my home. In other news lets see I will be visiting New Bern, NC to visit my friend Eric, he is totally thrilled that I am coming to see him but I am still having issues in going because although I am single my heart is comitted to this other person and he knows it but can not give me any answers in what direction if there is any in a future with me. Now dont get me wrong I know he has some plan for his future but he hasnt bothered to share it with me so when he is good anready I am sure he will open his mouth the same way he expects me to do.
Well let's see Friday I went to the Halloween Party in NYC and it was great.. we were like btwn 5th and 6th and got to see the parade and party till late...if you want to check out some of the guests at and if you are in a mood for some partying sign up on the guest list and they will let you know where the partys at!!
OK well that's it for now.. will talk to you later