Hello once again all.. its been a few months adn its been crazy as usual but tonight i need to vent so i am writting on here. I spent New Years.. wel shessh I cant even remember which may be for the best but I was home didnt go anywhere special aside from the usual. The New year brought me nothing so far in good terms.. financially I am trying very hard to not looses it ... I have a roomeate .. she is cool my niece's best friend which is ok but after tonight I am sure she has a different view of me since I almost lost it. Aside from money problems I have work problems and house problems. Well witht he house they had to do 10,000 dollars, yes US dollars of work , roof and siding was done.. I am not done paying that off but I am working on it and now I had problems with NJ Transit since their blasting has made signicficant damage to my house and I am trying to get them to work on repairs. Love well lets see the love of my life has gotten his ex pregant.. yep she is due like ned of May which means when I had that lil spat with him back in November he went and got her pregant./. screw him .. ok I am getting sleepy .. talk to you later

Happy Holidays everybody!!! So here is the scoop I am still financially screwed but I have made some decisions that should/will benefit me. In the love dept ... *sigh* as much as I would love to have things my way I do not see them changing anytime soon. That special person does still have my heart but I think we just need some time and patience which I have only so much of. I love him with all my heart but I can not be stressed over him and my personal stuff( home, money, family) so for now I will just let him go and as he said if its meant to be it will return. I found this on a friends web site and thought what better way to end the year than with a lil Q&A.

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year? umm I traveled ALOT. I got to see my friends and make some great memories to last me a lifetime. I haven't done that in a lonnng time.

2. What was your biggest disappointment? oh god of course as always I have to end the year in some financial mess.

3. What do you hope the new year brings? Lots and lots of money! and I am not ashamed to say it. also some peacefulness in my life which would include being with my love.

4. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions? No cuz I can never keep them and I hate that. SO I rather say I will try to just make things better for myself.

5. What are your plans for New Year's Eve? Actually none... quiet evening at home.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!

I am so financially screwed right now its not even funny ... I dont even want to know what can happen....

Yeah!!!! my niece is coming tomorrow.. I am soo happy and she is gonna be here fro like a week and spend turky day with me and all that .. oh well I will show her my hood and see what she thinks.. she just may run back home to Cali quickly... heheheehe
whatelse oh yes .. Eric is a pain , "he" is a pain .. men in general are a pain cuz they only look for you when THEY want something and the hell when you want something .. WHATEVER .. work is so so but at as long as I get a pay check I am happy *smile* well must finish cleaning so toodles..

there is alot to Say when friends are lovers and lovers are friends.. I am fortunate enough to have both, although things have somewhat resovled themselves with "him" I am still gonna be guarded because well I just need to be. I spent a wonderful weekend with a great guy and althought it wasn't "him" it was someone who is special and whom I have always known we couldn't be together, but funny thing is that I think he might have thought maybe it is possible. I know he loves me and I will always have love for him but until he says lets try I am not gonna allow myself to have those type of feelings for him. I'm sorry Eric cuz as much as those beautiful green eyes mesmirize me I cant allow myself to fall for you cuz we both know how you are and you have said it babe.. if its thrown in front of you you have no control and faithfulness is what I will need to have from you. See my friends.. in the end as much as I need that attention and love and a caring man, I need him to be faithful and I need him to believe that nothing is impossible. You don't believe that nor does "him" so what am I too do.. I have invested so much time into both of you yet I am so confused about who I would want to be with I don't know which way to turn. It kills me to know that you are alone over there ... And that your ex calls you .. I can keep my cool.. I can keep my control but I told you I will not allow for her to come between us again cuz this time I will say something not because you are mine or anythig like that but cuz you get all messed up when the offer of sex is there and that is not what we are about. Like the song says until the day you say you are mine then I will be here. I have to move on and do my thing just like you are doing yours I will continue to come see you and I will spend time with you.
As for "him" the ball is in his court. I need to take care of me .. I need you to show me like I said that everything I feel is not just my imagination or that its just all in my head but that its true .. I don't know if I can be waiting for ever and I don't know what the future holds but I am willing to take that chance with you and see where we end up..
You see the difference between Eric and "him" is that Eric showed me and always shows me how he feels about me and tells me I am beautiful and tells me all that stuff "him" makes me feel secure and I don't have to worry whether he is faithful or up to stuff .,... Eric is always up to something and may not tell me but until after the fact. Its not a matter of respect or trust but it boils down to that I need to build that knowledge about him.. to not worry about him or feel the need like i have to give my opinion .... Eric is more into himself and this he admits but I want him to be into me too and well I want that more than anything to be the only one he thinks about and sees... if eric gave me that then I would fly don't here every Friday but not yet ... I will return when he is ready to see me... *sigh* so much I wish I could tell him but he would so take it the wrong way .. he is still trying to read me and know my actions so once we get past that then maybe... but god he is soooo good. *wink*

OK there was a time I really really really enjoyed weddings....but after last Friday I am not sure ...as the saying goes you can take the girl out of the ghetto but you cant take the ghetto out of the girl. I can not believe the embarrassment my best friend put me through on her wedding day with the scene she formed at the reception. I mean ok I understand getting upset and being pissed but all out grabbing your dress up and ready to kick a man's ass ... damn I am just still in shock. Needless to say aside from that we did have a great time and it was a nice ceremony but if I ever have a wedding reception I am going to have alot more class.

Oh yeah I went to NC this weekend after the wedding and you know what? I had a GREAT time. I couldn't have asked for anything more that what I got. Eric was exactly what I needed.. he was attentive, sweet and understanding .. see he would be the one if not for the distance and lately to be honest that isn't even a good enouhg reason for me or him. Meanwhile "him" is said nothing except wanting to know if I met up with him. Hello!!! I am in a town closer to Eric than I have been in 2 yrs and we aren't going to meet up.. NOT we saw each other everyday and went out Satu and SUn and got drunk and did alot of honest talking... *sigh* now why cant everything Eric told me come out of "his" mouth. I am gonna end up wit Eric just cuz he thinks its crazy that this other man isn't giving me some sense of direction in whatever type of relationship it is we have. I HATE that. Yes lately I HATE everything but that's what I have been pushed to so deal with it people.
Well I am off I have to call my friend Adam to see how he got this promotion and all that.. love ya

Ok every had those nights that you dream but cant really remember what it was.. well that was me this morning .. all I remember is waking up in tears and rubbing my eyes.. my pillow was soaked with tears. I must be losing it .. I know I am holding in a lot of other stuff ( "him" , other men, finances, work, etc) and I think its starting to get to me. All I need to do is get past Friday and I should be ok. I hate the fact that I know if at least one of the things that has me worried is him.. cuz it means I am depending on him to give me an answer even though I have a feeling what it is. but the fact that I am depending on him for anything is killing me... *sigh* I just wish things can be simple... I just keep reminding myself that everything has a solution except for death. I wont even tell you what the solution is ... I feel like I have to swallow my pride sometimes and that's ok if I know I am getting something from it but nothing .. not even 1 thing... please its too much... ok am I rambling yes I am .. its called being anxious and stressed and not having what's his face to talk to .. or even hear his voice... ugh.. I HATE HATE this feeling....